Culture

Texas Equivalence Measure

---The Obscure Penguin---

The Obscure Penguin
For those poor souls who aren't from Texas who simply can't understand why Texans are the way they are, I've created this equivalence measure to try to communicate to them in their own language, describing what a Texan is:
If I lived in New Jersey and hung out with Bruce Springsteen, that would be equivalent to being a Texan. That’s probably why Chris Christie is a Cowboys fan.
If I was born in South Dakota, AND my face was on Mt. Rushmore, that would be equivalent to being a Texan, after, of course, I put up a “No Trespassing” sign.
If I battled gators everyday just to get to work in Florida where I was THE Spring Break Pimp in Fort Lauderdale, that would be equivalent to being a Texan. Oh wait, all that action moved to South Padre. Oh, wait, “Beinvenidos a Cancun!” Unless you’re down in Acuña and you ain’t up to being alone.
If I lived in Delaware but I was from Texas, that would be the equivalent of being a Texan.
If Minnesota bordered Mexico, rather than those maple junkies, and the Twin Cities were actually called the Metroplex, and if I were an incredible guitarist and singer and songwriter who happened to dig purple, that would be equivalent to being a Texan, if my name is Stevie Ray. I could turn the world on with a smile.
If all the lefties in Seattle woke up one rainy morning believing in property rights and the Second Amendment, that would be equivalent to being a Texan. If all the lefties were gerrymandered out of Austin, that would be equivalent to being a Texan. If you think half the State Legislature are cronies in capitalism and the other half isn’t intellectually capable of learning from North Carolina’s mistakes, that would be equivalent to being a Texan.
If Yellowstone National Park actually had Yogi Bear, and they changed it to Jellystone, and they charged a lot of money for Old Faithful, and there was a long line to get in, and then they added a lot of rides and put all the animals in a zoo and judged them, you'd basically have Six Flags (Now Five) Over Texas and the State Fair.
If North and South Dakota were just Dakota, if North and South Carolina were just Carolina, if Virginia and West Virginia were just Virginia, if New England and England were also Canada, if New Mexico and Mexico were just Mexico, without Tejas, that would be equivalent to being a Texan, although New Mexico was Tejas.  Look at the map.
If Willie Nelson held a July 4th Picnic in Branson, that would be equivalent to a Texan.
If the Packers were “America’s Team” and the cheese on their heads was stuffed into a relleno, that would be equivalent to being a Texan. Milwaukee’s best ain’t Shiner Bock. It’s closer to Lone Star, which is brewed by Pabst.
If a huge chunk of California fell into the sea and they lost the populations of the Los Angeles greater metropolitan area and San Diego, that would make the remaining state roughly equivalent to being a Texan. Do the math. That would make Bakersfield the new Galveston, after it dried out.
If it weren't so gol-darned cold in Montana, and they didn't have all them dang mountains blocking the view, that would be the equivalent of good grazing land in West Texas.
Some folks say Oklahoma might as well be Texas. Only those south of Waco say that, except they say north of Waco might as well be Oklahoma. The Oklahoma Panhandle used to be Texas. I’ll let you do the Googling on that. Basically it comes down to Oklahoma doesn’t have much character or identity compared to its massive and colorful neighbor across the Red River. There’s that old joke, “Why doesn’t Texas float off into the Gulf of Mexico? Because Oklahoma sucks.” That’s why they have to throw everything they have into the Norman football team. I’m probably being too hard on them but they stole my Sonics and turned them into Thunder. They better hope no one steals their Thunder! Here’s the thing. I’m spending more time on them because it just takes longer to explain things to them. I really can’t think of anything that could make them the equivalent of a Texan. Hook ‘em, Horns.
If Boulder smoked as much weed as Austin…oh, never mind.
If Colorado were as horizontally-minded as they were vertically-minded, that would be equivalent to a Texan. Speaking of weed, if Colorado woke up one morning thinking all the taxes they made on pot was just a dream and the drug actually made you rape, murder and jump out of windows, that would be equivalent to a Texan.
If Nevada were free of sin, it would be the equivalent of a Texan.
If there were more Baptists than anything else in Utah, it would be the equivalent of a Texan.
Texas owed its independence to many brave folks from Tennessee, but Texas country music is better than Nashville’s. If a bunch of wacko Tennessee militia suddenly reoccupied the Alamo and demanded Texas secede from The European Union, it would be the equivalent of a Texan.
The difference between New York and Texas is a New Yorker doesn’t believe anything of quality exists outside the city. A Texan knows there are great things outside of Texas, but nothing as great as Texas. If New Yorkers were enlightened, that would be the equivalent of a Texan.
If all the hipsters in Oregon wore cowboy hats and boots and then were rounded up and deported to Canada, what was left would be the equivalent of a Texan, after most of the land was developed.
If you were living in your own private Idaho in a rusted B-52 with a stockpile of automatic weapons, you’d be the equivalent of a Texan.
If Alaska could see Cuba from its house, that would be the equivalent of a Texan.
If Illinois had ever produced a President as great as George W. Bush, that would be equivalent to a Texan.
If Little Rock changed its name to Big Rock, and Arkansas completely erased the Clinton name from its history, that would be equivalent to a Texan.
If A&M hadn’t run off and thrown in their lot with Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and the rest, they’d still be the equivalent of a Texan.
If Kansas had more dust in the wind it would be Lubbock.
Why doesn’t Arizona have a regionally established Mexican food tradition? California has Cal-Mex. Texas has Tex-Mex. New Mexico knows the art of the chili. What does Arizona have? Burros? If Arizona Mexican food was as good as New Mexico’s cuisine, that would be the equivalent of a Texan. Sorry, had to say it.
If Nebraska had a lot more than Omaha, and more besides that, it would be the equivalent of a Texan. Where’s Tom Osborne?
I could break down the New England states, but what’s the point? Only New Hampshire’s “Live Free or Die” approximates a Texas attitude, which, in the “Lone Star State” sometimes translates to “Live free as I describe it or die.”
If Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Kentucky were one state, they would be about as big as Texas, but they wouldn’t have Luckenbach or La Grange or Corpus Christi or Frisco or Flower Mound or Odessa or Sweetwater or Del Rio or Lockhart or Dalhart or El Paso. How could they be Texan without those?
If it weren’t so hard to properly pronounce Hawaii, it would be the equivalent of a Texan. That’s all it would take. Really.
If rather than having Georgia on your mind, you will be getting to Amarillo by morning, that’s the equivalent of a Texan. Texas peaches are pretty good too, especially when bought on the side of the road out of the back of a pickup. Georgia has more trees. Texas has more armadillos, also sometimes seen on the side of the road.
Maryland has crab. Texas has shrimp. Maryland and Virginia surround the nation’s capital. Texas really is the nation’s capital…to Texans. Now do you understand?

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